《意隐故事--三柱香》夏意隐

33、袒露心声2 Jayde

　　Jayden没有立刻回答，他的眼神变得很空洞，直直地盯着沙发扶手。终于，像是下了很大决心似的，他开口了。

　　Jayden：“Depression. She uh... she hung herself.（抑郁症。她... 她上吊自杀了。）”

　　话音刚落，他之前还能自持住的镇定便全面崩溃了，眼泪在一瞬间迸发。东方余悠赶紧拿起面前桌子上的纸巾递给他，又重新坐回他身旁。Jayden把整张脸埋进纸里，他早已泣声不止以至于无法抬头。

　　她真想扇自己一巴掌，想想她做过的、说过的一切，她简直无法原谅自己。

　　Jayden：“She's not blood, but she's more than that... She was such a sweet person...（她不是血亲但是胜似血亲... 她是一个那么美好的人...）”

　　东方余悠用手轻拍着他的后背。

　　Jayden：“ She was an orphan, but for some reason, she just had so much love to give to the world... and to me, especially to me...（她是一个孤儿，但是不知道为什么她有那么多的爱去给这个世界... 去给我，尤其是我...）.”

　　东方余悠：“I'm sorry...（我很抱歉...）”

　　Jayden：“She was only two years older than me, but she was much wiser and much... talented in everything. I started playing tennis because she was playing, and she was so good at it. I still remember the good old time when we played tennis at our backyard. She was such a competitive player, and she would've been a top pro if it wasn't for depression.（她只比我大两岁，但是她比我更睿智、更... 有天赋，在各个方面。我会打网球也是因为她打网球，她打得特别好。我还记得我们在后院一起打网球的美好时光。她是那么有斗志的球员，如果不是因为抑郁症的话，她应该会是一个顶尖职业球员。）”

　　东方余悠：“Depression huh...（抑郁吗... ）”

　　她现在终于懂得了Jayden对她的关心和担忧，那单纯得没有一丝情爱的恐惧——害怕再次失去。

　　Jayden：“It hit her so suddenly, we couldn't even figure out the trigger of it. It was just like out of nowhere, she wasn't like herself anymore. She was emptied, and I think toward the end, she was just... gone, before she was actually gone... You know what I mean?（抑郁症来得那么突然，我们都想不明白为什么。不知道是从何而来，她变得不像她自己了。她就像被掏空了，而且我觉得到最后，她好像已经... 走了，在她真正离开之前就已经走了... 你明白那种感觉吗？）”

　　东方余悠：“Yeah.（我明白。）”

　　她看着他的眼睛认真点了点头。虽然她并不能确切明白，但她觉得Jayden需要一个肯定的回答。

　　Jayden：“She was completely incapacitated. She couldn't do anything. She quitted school, she quitted tennis, she cut ties with all her friends... And I noticed it, but I just chose to believe that she was just going through a phase...（她完全失去了做任何事的能力。她什么也干不了。她没办法去上学、她不再打网球、她和所有朋友断了联系... 我注意到了，但是我只选择了相信她只是正在经历某个阶段）”

　　他再次泣不成声。

　　东方余悠把手放在他的肩膀上，轻轻地捏了几下，她不知道此刻她能说些什么让他少一些痛苦。

　　突然，Jayden抬高了音量，甚至有些歇斯底里起来。

　　Jayden：“I didn't know how to handle that, she was not the Bella I used to know, I did't know how to deal with it, I didn't know what to say to her or how I can be of any help, I didn't know...!（我不知道怎么应对，她已经不是我知道的那个Bella了，我不知道怎么做，我不知道该对她说些什么或者我能怎么帮到她，我不知道！）”

　　她生怕他背过了气。

　　东方余悠：“You are right, you were too young, you wouldn't know how to handle it, that was not your fault-（没错，你太小了，你不知道怎么去应对，那不是你的错-）”

　　Jayden却又突然停止哭泣。他把脸从纸巾中抬起，消失了一切情绪，眼神涣散、并且以一种异常平静的声音打断了她。

　　Jayden：“But maybe all this is just a lie. Maybe I could do something but I just chose not to, maybe even my company could be helpful. This idea has always been lingering at the back of my head, and I think I know there's some truth to it, but I just didn't want to see it. This is the first time I ever admit it to myself that maybe I chose tennis over her. I was at the top of my game, I was hailed as the most promising next-gen player, my parents were just swamped by my business, and she was just left all alone... She was... she was abandoned, by me, by all of us...（但也许所有这一切都是谎言。也许我能够做一些事，我只是选择了不去做，也许只是简单的陪伴也会有所帮助。你知道吗，这个想法一直在我的脑海深处徘徊，我觉得我知道这在一定程度上是事实，我只是不想去看到它。这是我第一次向自己承认我在那时选择了网球而不是她。我当时打得火热，我被誉为最有潜力的新生代球员，我的父母都围着我的事团团转，她就这样一个人被丢下了... 她... 被抛弃了，被我，被我们所有人...）”

　　东方余悠没有料到怎么他话锋一转就到了这个结论。

　　Jayden：“There it is, I said it. I killed her.（就是这样，我说出来了，我杀了她。）”

　　东方余悠：“No, don't say that, you didn't kill anybody. （没有，别这么说，你没有杀任何人。）”

　　Jayden：“I did, and it feels good to say it. I killed her. I think I always felt that way, I just couldn't bring myself to acknowledge it.（我杀了，这样说起来竟然让我感觉很轻松。我杀了她。我觉得我一直都有这样的感觉，只是一直没有办法承认而已。）”

　　东方余悠：“No, you didn't kill her. I know you have your regrets, and you think you could've done more, but you didn't kill her, that's different.（不，你没有杀她。我知道你有悔恨，你觉得你可以做更多。但是你没有杀她，这是不一样的。）”

　　Jayden：“But I did contribute to it, right?（但是我有责任，对吗？）”

　　她很想说出那个善意的谎言“你没有”。但是与其说他在寻求安慰，他的袒露让她觉得他更在寻求对过去的正视以及属于他自己内心的真相。因为他的勇气和真诚，她觉得她也应该同样以真诚回馈。

　　东方余悠：“You could help, like how you helped me. It might not change anything but she would appreciate it.（你可以帮她的，就像你帮我一样。也许这不会改变最终的结果但是她将会很感激。）”

　　Jayden：“You are right.（你是对的。）”

　　他无奈地笑了笑，沉重地点了点头。

　　东方余悠：“But I know that she wouldn't blame you.（但是我知道她不会怪你的。）”

　　Jayden：“How do you know?（你怎么知道？）”

　　东方余悠：“Because she was a kind person, and she had the most love for you.（因为她是一个好人，也因为她对你有着最多的爱。）”

　　Jayden：“She did.（是的。）”

　　东方余悠：“And you were young, you never handled it before, you didn't know what to do.（而且你那时年龄还小，你之前从没有碰到过这样的事情，你不知道该怎么去做。）”

　　Jayden：“They were just the lies I used to tell myself to make myself feel better. （这些只是我之前告诉自己来让我感觉好一点儿的谎言。）”

　　Jayden：“No, Jayden, they are also the truth. It doesn't have to be bitter to be the truth.（不是的，Jayden，这些也是真相。未必令你痛苦的才是真相。）”

　　Jayden看着她，意味深长地笑了。

　　Jayden：“If you had met her, you would have loved her.（如果你见到她，你会很喜欢她的。）”

　　东方余悠：“I bet I would.（我猜我会的。）”

　　他仰头看向天花板。

　　Jayden：“God once sent an angle my way and I wasn't able to keep her. （上帝曾经送给了我一个天使，但是我没能留住她。）”

　　东方余悠：“So you see me as your second chance.（所以你把我看做你的第二次机会。）”

　　Jayden：“I'm sorry, truly.（对不起，真的。）”

　　东方余悠：“No. Actually, thank you. （不。事实上，谢谢你。）”