《疑心病》一叶知境

21、他不要我了

　　躲过了世俗

　　却躲不过你的“深情”

　　我有一个爱人

　　他很爱我，我也很爱他

　　他总是很温柔的抚摸我的头发

　　叫我宝宝

　　我很喜欢他这么叫

　　他会耐心的听我说话，会用深情的眼神看着我

　　会抱着我温柔的讲话

　　他就是我的全部

　　我知道在这个时代同性恋是犯法

　　但是我有一个能携手共进退的人

　　所以我不怕

　　他也曾温柔的抱着我的腰说

　　“宝宝，你别怕，有我在，我们永远都不会分开”

　　我仰着脸看着他扬起了一抹微笑“好”

　　我至今仍记得那个承诺

　　他说他一辈子都不会离开我

　　不会松开我的手

　　可他食言了

　　那天是我的二十三岁生日

　　我在属于我们两个人的家等他回来

　　从开始我就一直期待

　　脑子里想着无数他回来的画面

　　光是想想就很开心

　　因为期待他的回家，期待门外那个熟悉的脸

　　期待温柔叫我宝宝的声音

　　突然我听到门外的声音

　　我怀着激动的心跑去开门

　　正准备说话的我僵住了

　　只见他看见我就抱着我的脖子

　　嘴里喊的是别人的名字

　　扑面而来的是一股沉重的酒味

　　“小寻.….你…你怎么在这….你不是….刚走
　　吗"
　　他嘴里含糊的说着

　　我却没在动任由他抱着

　　激动的心早已僵硬了

　　我忍着那个想问清楚的心

　　装作什么都不知道把他扶回了房间

　　那是我第一次开始害怕

　　我害怕失去他，不敢问

　　我害怕他是真的有了外遇

　　从那天以后我就装作什么都不知道

　　像以前一样每天缠着他

　　和他腻歪在一起

　　但他却变了，变得太突然了

　　他开始变得不那么耐心

　　开始早出晚归

　　我什么都知道，但正因为我什么都知道

　　才会更害怕

　　我看着他每天离去的背影第一次觉得

　　我离他很远，远到拉不住他

　　那天我怀着试一试的心态试图挽留他

　　“今天可以陪我嘛

　　他像以前一样摸了摸我的头笑着

　　“我要赚钱养你啊，乖自己在家"

　　明明和以前一样，但是我却听出了敷衍

　　我没在多说我怕我会哭

　　“那…你今天要早点回来，我等你"…回来

　　话还没说完，只听见“碰”的一声关门

　　我忍着眼泪不让它掉下来

　　试图安慰自己

　　“别怕别怕，他只是累了，休息下就会变回来以前那个荆郁了"

　　我怀着早就知道的心情等着他

　　我怕他回来看不见我

　　就做到离门最近的地方

　　我怕因为黑他找不到我

　　就开着灯

　　可是我等了好久好久他都没回来

　　我倚靠着玄关处睡着了

　　睡得很不踏实

　　还做了一个梦，非常可怕

　　梦里他不要我了

　　我试图抓着他的衣角却什么也没抓到

　　只能看着他的背影

　　极具的悲痛压的我喘不过气

　　我喘着粗气醒了

　　一切都没变，他没回来

　　我第一次觉得一个人的屋子这么可怕

　　没多久，我的梦成真了

　　那个困扰了我很久的噩梦成真了

　　不是都说现实与梦境是相反的吗

　　那天我没留住他

　　他走了，身边还跟着一个跟我很像的人

　　我模糊的听见他们亲昵

　　看着他们搂搂抱抱

　　看着他漏出那个让我心动的笑容

　　我终于忍不住哭了

　　“为什么啊，为什么丢下我，你别不要我啊”

　　我看着他以温柔的口吻从嘴里吐出冰冷的字

　　“抱歉，但是我很爱他，你明白吗’

　　原来一切都不是我的

　　看着他离去的背影与梦境结合

　　我快要分不清虚幻与现实了

　　他走了，走的很干脆
　　他不要我了
　　突然想起那一幕

　　他站在肆意的阳光下对我的承诺

　　他说一辈子爱我
　　你食言了

　　如果我在努力一点

　　你会不会就留在我身边了

　　我不明白，为什么你要对我那么好

　　又为什么突然不要我

　　我是不是你随时都可以丢下的玩具

　　金鱼溺死海底，小鸟花落他家

　　我自私一点

　　下辈子我来做你身边的人

　　英文版指路
　　Avoid the secular world.

　　But I can't avoid your affection.

　　I have a lover.

　　He loves me very much, and I love him very much.

　　He always strokes my hair gently.

　　Call me baby.

　　I like his name very much.

　　He will listen to me patiently and look at me with affectionate eyes.

　　I will hold me and speak gently.

　　He is all I have.

　　I know that homosexuality is a crime in this era.

　　But I have someone who can move forward and retreat together.

　　So I'm not afraid.

　　He also hugged my waist gently and said.

　　"Baby, don't be afraid. With me, we will never be separated."

　　I looked up at him with a smile. "Okay"

　　I still remember that promise.

　　He said he would never leave me all his life.

　　I won't let go of my hand.

　　But he broke his promise.

　　It was my 23rd birthday.

　　I'm waiting for him to come back at the house that belongs to both of us.

　　I have been looking forward to it from the beginning.

　　I think about countless pictures of him coming back.

　　I'm very happy just thinking about it.

　　Because I'm looking forward to his home and the familiar face outside the door.

　　Looking forward to the gentle voice calling my baby.

　　Suddenly I heard the sound outside the door.

　　I ran to open the door with excitement.

　　I was about to talk, and I was frozen.

　　He hugged my neck when he saw me.

　　What you call in your mouth is someone else's name.

　　What came to my face was a heavy smell of wine.

　　"Xiaoxun. .... You... Why are you here... You are not... Just left.

　　Is it?"

　　He said vaguely.

　　But I didn't let him hold it.

　　The excited heart has long been stiff.

　　I endure the heart that wants to make it clear.

　　Pretend to know nothing and help him back to the room.

　　That was the first time I began to be afraid.

　　I'm afraid of losing him and dare not ask.

　　I'm afraid he really had an affair.

　　From that day on, I pretended not to know anything.

　　Entangled him every day as before.

　　Get tired of being with him.

　　But he changed and became too sudden.

　　He began to become less patient.

　　Start early and return late.

　　I know everything, but just because I know everything.

　　That's more scared.

　　When I looked at his back every day, I felt that

　　I'm so far away from him that I can't hold him.

　　That day, I tried to keep him with a try.

　　"Can you accompany me today?

　　He touched my head as before and smiled.

　　"I want to make money to support you. Be at home by yourself."

　　Obviously, it's the same as before, but I heard it perfunctory.

　　I didn't say much that I was afraid that I would cry.

　　"Well... you'll be back early today. I'll wait for you." ... Come back.

　　Before I finished speaking, I only heard a "touch" closing the door.

　　I held my tears and won't let it fall.

　　Try to comfort yourself.

　　"Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. He's just tired. After resting, he will turn back to the former Jingyu."

　　I waited for him with the mood I had known for a long time.

　　I'm afraid he won't see me when he comes back.

　　Just be the closest to the door.

　　I'm afraid he can't find me because of the black.

　　Just turn on the light.

　　But I waited for a long time and he didn't come back.

　　I fell asleep leaning against the hallway.

　　I didn't sleep well.

　　I also had a dream, which was terrible.

　　He didn't want me in his dream.

　　I tried to grab the corners of his clothes but didn't catch anything.

　　I can only look at his back.

　　With great grief, I can't breathe.

　　I woke up with a grout.

　　Nothing has changed. He didn't come back.

　　For the first time, I felt that a person's room was so terrible.

　　Before long, my dream come true.

　　The nightmare that has plagued me for a long time has come true.

　　Don't they all say that reality is the opposite of dreams?

　　I didn't keep him that day.

　　He left, accompanied by a person who was very similar to me.

　　I vaguely heard their intimateness.

　　Watch them hug.

　　Watch him leak out the touching smile.

　　I finally couldn't help crying.

　　"Why, why did you leave me? Don't want me."

　　I watched him spit out cold words from his mouth in a gentle tone.

　　"I'm sorry, but I love him very much, do you understand?'

　　So everything is not mine.

　　Watch the back of his departure combine with his dream.

　　I can't tell the illusion from reality.

　　He left, very straightforward.

　　He doesn't want me anymore.

　　Suddenly remembered that scene.

　　His promise to me standing in the wanton sun.

　　He said he loved me all his life.

　　You broke your promise.

　　If I'm trying harder

　　Will you stay with me?

　　I don't understand why you are so kind to me.

　　Why don't you suddenly want me?

　　Am I a toy that you can leave at any time?

　　The goldfish drowned to the bottom of the sea, and the bird flower fell into his house.

　　I'm more selfish.

　　I will be the person around you in my next life.