32、The Thirty-first Owl( From AD) 1995. ...
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[sealed with a charm which opens only to a drop of Gellert Grindelwald's blood］
［用一个令本信只能以盖勒特·格林德沃的一滴血开启的咒语弥封］
December 25th, 1995
公元1995年，十二月25日
Gellert,
盖勒特，
A Christmas letter, after all this time. I must confess that I have not held to your wishes. Voldemort remains undefeated, and he has recently returned in full health, after his brush with what he so feared, and begun to gather followers. Horcruxes, old friend. Horcruxes and dozens of other defenses. And, on my word, I do not lie. I do not know why I won, in the end. I do not know what you want me to say.
时隔这么久后的一封圣诞信。我必须承认我并未遵循你的愿想。伏地魔仍未被击败，最近在与他最恐惧的事物擦肩而过后，到底元气十足地回归了，并开始召集信徒。魂器，老朋友。魂器以及大量的其他防御措施。且，我发誓，我绝没有扯谎。哪怕是到了最后，我还是完全不知道我胜利的原因。我完全不知道你想让我说什么。
And I know— that I said I would not write again. And I accept your apology, of course, years ago. But I cannot think what else to do. I beg of you patience...
且我明白——我曾云再不会写信了。我接受你的歉意，自然，在好多年前就已接受了。但我想不出我还能做什么。我恳请你能耐心……
I suppose by now you must have heard of Harry Potter.
我猜现在你定听说了哈利·波特。
I send this to you in the deepest confidence. As I remember writing long ago, I have no true intimates. Peculiar as it is, after all the years of silence and all the anger, you are the man whom I trust most with— this. With a matter of no consequence to the war, to England, to Voldemort—
我怀着最深的信任把这封信寄给你。像我记得在很久之前我写过的，我没有真正的知己。很奇怪吧，虽然隔了这么多年的沉寂与怒火，你仍然是我最信任的——秘密分享者。这无关战争的影响，无关英格兰的未来，无关伏地魔的结局——
Harry Potter started at Hogwarts five years ago. He was Sorted into Gryffindor House, which I doubt surprises you. His academics are on the upper side of average, his teacher relations generally neutral and his friendships unbreakable as diamonds. He was raised by an abusive, neglectful Muggle family, utterly miserable until he came to Hogwarts, and that was my will, for it was necessary to protect him. Necessary to condemn him to a horrible childhood. His entire life is bound up in old magic, wild philomency, things Voldemort refuses to acknowledge and which even you and I barely plumbed the existence of. He is both ordinary and extraordinary at once, and it strains my wit to describe him.
哈利·波特五年前入学于霍格沃茨。我怀疑你会惊讶的是，他被分入了格兰芬多。他的成绩中等偏上，与老师的关系大概一般，牢不可破的友谊则如钻石般生辉。据我的安排，他由一个虐待他，忽视他的麻瓜家庭抚养长大。在进入霍格沃茨前生活得极其凄惨，因为这是保护他的必要举措。必须判给他一个糟糕的童年。他的整个人生都被束缚在一个古老的魔法里，原始的血脉保护，源于爱——这是伏地魔拒绝承认的东西，甚至你我对其的了解也只算管窥蠡测。他是平凡的，也是特别的，我不得不费尽心机加以描述。
He has suffered so, so much for a boy so young. And so much of it at my hands, even if indirectly. And— he does not know. He has not even the faintest clue of the true weight of it.
他还是一个孩子，那么幼小，那么稚嫩，可他却承受了那么多的苦难。而那些苦难又直接或间接地出自我手。且——他对一切还浑然不知。他甚至完全不知道他肩上担子的真实重量。
His fate is entwined with Voldemort's. Magic beyond logic or reason—
他的命运与伏地魔紧紧缠绕。魔法超出一切逻辑或因由——
Gellert, I must send him to his death.
盖勒特，我必须把他交给死亡。
I had tried for so many years not to see it. A shred of Voldemort's soul, so torn from the creation of his Horcruxes, dislodged when the killing curse backfired and stuck in an innocent boy. There is a prophecy. Twin serpents in the smoke of the pathfinder. Old, old, antediluvian magic—
我这么多年来一直试着去无视这一切。一丝伏地魔的灵魂碎片，在他创造魂器时分裂而出，杀戮咒回火时被甩飞，陷在了一个无辜的孩子身上。有一个预言。迷雾重重中探索着的双生蛇。陈旧的，过时的，邃古亘远的魔法——
I cannot tell him. How could I? He must realize it himself—
我无法告诉他。我能怎么办？他必须自己去了解这一切——
He is a good boy, Gellert. He is tough and brave and mostly clever, and he deserves better. He deserves to grow up and grow old and fall in love and herd about children and write crochety letters. He deserves to bury Voldemort and move on to his own life, free of fates and scars and nonsense, and I would give my life to make it so, but I cannot, not ever, because that is not how things are.
他是个好孩子，盖勒特。他坚韧，勇敢，几乎是聪明伶俐，他值得一个更好的人生。他值得长大，老去，坠入爱河，带着孩子们四处闲逛，时而写信发泻不满。他值得毁灭伏地魔，然后回归自己的生活，免于命运纠缠，免于疤痕满身，免于谣言中伤，我愿献上我的生命换这一切成真，但我做不到，永远做不到，因为这一切只是一个虚渺的幻影。
I feared you, when I realized the extent of your plans, the terror of your rule, the Muggle-torture. When you fled from Ariana's body like a common cut-throat. And I was angry, yes, of course. So very angry. But I never hated you. I never wished upon you the worst thing in the world. And hence you wake and sleep and eat and breathe, and do not burn in the everlasting furnace of phoenix fire into which I would cast Voldemort— no, Tom Riddle, that is his name, the rest is affectation— into which I would cast the man who bound Harry to his fate, I hate him so, I hate him to the marrow of my bones—
在我意识到你计划的疯狂程度，你法则的血腥恐怖，实施时给麻瓜造成的摧残伤害时，我恐惧过你。是的，在你像个职业杀手一样从阿利安娜的尸体旁逃走时，我自然也感到了愤怒。我的怒火曾不可遏制地燃烧着。但我从未恨过你。我从未祈愿让这世上最坏的事情降临你身。因此，不论你清醒，或睡去，或进食，或呼吸，我都不希望让不灭熔炉中的凤凰火焰灼烧到你，而如果可以，伏地魔——不，汤姆·里德尔，这方是他的名字，余下皆是骗术——这个把哈利的命运与自己牢牢绑定的人，则会被我掷入这熔炉，毫不犹豫地掷进去，我恨透了他，我对他的恨意已刻入骨髓——
You do not cling to life like a canker. That is remorse enough for me, no matter what you may think. And for a Dark wizard, you have a surprisingly healthy relationship with death—
你不像毒瘤一样贪生怕死。不论你对此持何看法，这一点已足以令我深陷悔恨。作为一名黑巫师，你与死亡的关系惊人的康健——
Listen to me. I am sorry. I write to you in despair and burden you with an old man's insoluble worries, after we both said there was nothing left between us but bitterness. But, Gellert. I send him to his death. For the greater good.
听我说。对不起，对不起。在我们互相表示彼此之间除了怨恨什么也不剩之后，我还是在绝望中给你写了信，将一名老人无解的愁绪强加给了你。但，盖勒特，我把他交给了死亡。为了更伟大的利益。
You claim Nurmengard and I will not break you. And perhaps they have not. But, Gellert, Tom and Harry have broken me. You're stronger than me in the end, I suppose.
你声称纽蒙伽德与我摧毁不了你。也许的确如此。但，盖勒特，汤姆和哈利已经摧毁了我。我想，末了，是你比我更强大。
Oh, but there is a chance! a faint glimmer of a chance that he might just survive. That Harry might live— damaged, no doubt, shell-shocked as the Muggles would say, but alive.
哦，但仍有那么一丝机会！仍有一丝模糊微渺，能让他可能幸存的机会。哈利也许可以活下去——伤痕累累，无疑，会患上麻瓜们说的战征疲乏症，但是活着。
But sometimes hope is more painful than surrender.
但有时与直接放弃相比，怀揣希望反而更接近绝望。
Ignore me. Laugh at me. I send an innocent boy to war and torture and death, because I must do what is necessary, because I must not apologize for what is necessary. Look over your door, Gellert— I still live by those bloody, cursed words—
无视我吧。嘲笑我吧。我将一个无辜的孩子交给了战争，磨折，以及死亡，因为我必须做那迫不得已的事，因为我没有权利为这迫不得已的事道歉。审视着你的牢门吧，盖勒特——我仍活在这血腥的，受诅的言辞之下——
Only you could possibly appreciate what this means. The full irony of it. Only you, old friend, after everything we've done and all this time we've spent hurting each other.
只有你可能会理解我的意思了。真真是讽刺啊。只有你，老朋友，在历尽人世沧桑，在我们承受了这么长时间彼此的伤害之后。
I never knew the way. For all that I am a sanctimonious old bastard, I never knew the way. I only tried to help, to do what I thought would be right, would be successful. And this is where it ends, sending a child to die— everything I touch, everyone I love, turning to dust— I admit what I am, Gellert, I am a monster—
我从来不晓得方向在哪。尽管我是一名总祥装圣洁的老卑鄙小人，我仍无法知晓方向在哪。我只是试着去提供帮助，去做我认为正确的事，可能会成功的事。而结局是，把一个孩子交给死亡——吾触之物，吾爱之人，均归尘埃——我承认我是谁，盖勒特，我是彻头彻尾一个怪物——
I— must stop this. I'm sorry.
我——不能再笔了。非常抱歉。
P. S. for both of us
又及：给我们的
[enclosure: a package of sherbet lemons]
[附件：一包柠檬雪宝]
译者注：
1：“像我记得在很久之前我写过的，我没有真正的知己。”这里对应的许是第九封信中AD的一句“自那以后很久很久（是再也没有了吧呜呜），我都没有毫无顾虑、毫无克制地和别人亲密过了（“亲密”与这封信的“知己”英文均为intimate）
2：第十三封信中GG曾坦言愿体面死去而不是整出魂器来把自己弄得半生半死；番外篇Seeker's Fear（我会发在正文后面）中少年GG也表明了自己对死亡的通透与接纳（不知道AD写这封信的时候有没有想到这件事）
3：GG在第十五封信中曾表明“我的纽蒙迦德摧毁不了我，阿不思，且你亦不会”
4：“我想，末了，是你比我更强大”：GG在第十七封信中云：“你（AD）那时是多么强大”，AD这句话可能是对其的回应。
5：AD在第七封信中针对第六封信GG的道德绑架曾表示：“是的，我十分清楚你对我做的事。我不会为这迫不得已的事道歉。”
6：“祥装圣洁的卑鄙小人”出自第三封信GG对AD的评价，第二十七封信AD也引用过（翻译持续太长的危害是发现三个sanctimonious都译得不一样，现已统一）
7：第二十八封信中GG曾气冲冲地要AD“承认你是谁”
作者有话说
第32章 The Thirty-first Owl( From AD)
