《凡所有相，好了歌》趁杰

1、寒风吹不散的决定（一） 2026.

　　凡所有相（一）
　　All Forms Are Emptiness: The Unwavering Decision Not to Disperse in the First Blizzard by Chengjie
　　凡所有相第一回
　　寒风吹不散的决定
　　文/趁杰
　　December 2014. Nian Wei remembered that day as particularly cold. At the end of the corridor on the third floor of the teaching building, there was a window that wasn't tightly shut. The north wind squeezed through the gap, emitting a thin, long whistle, like someone playing a broken flute from afar. She stood next to that window, with the zipper of her down jacket pulled up to the top and her chin tucked into the collar, revealing only her face.
　　The man opposite her was named Chen Yan, the newly appointed head of the teaching and research group for just two months. He had big, clear black and white eyes, and when he looked at someone, there was an unavoidable seriousness in his gaze. He stood on the other side of the corridor, with his back leaning against the railing and his hands buried in his coat pockets. When he spoke, white breath came out of his mouth, forming puffs that scattered in the gray air.
　　"You'll be the head."

　　2014年12月。念微记得那天特别冷，教学楼三楼的走廊尽头，有一扇窗户关不严，北风从缝隙里挤进来，发出一种细而长的哨音，像谁在远处吹一只破了孔的笛子。她站在那扇窗旁边，羽绒服的拉链拉到最顶上，下巴缩进领口里，只露出一张脸来。
　　对面的男人叫陈延，新上任才两个月的教研组长，眼睛很大，黑白分明，看人的时候有一种不容回避的认真。他站在走廊另一侧，背靠着栏杆，手插在大衣口袋里，说话的时候嘴里呼出白气，一团一团，散在灰蒙蒙的空气里。
　　"你当组长。"
　　When Nian Wei heard those three words, a gust of wind was blowing through the cracks in the floor tiles beneath her feet. She subconsciously clenched her sleeves, and the fabric of her down jacket made a slight friction sound. She lifted her face to look at Chen Yan, confirming that he was not joking. His expression was calm, and his tone was also calm, like he was stating a matter that had already been decided. Nian Wei stuck her chin out from her collar and took a breath of cold air, which was so cold that her nasal passages felt sour. She said, "I won't do it."
　　念微听见这三个字的时候，脚底下的地砖缝里正在灌风。她下意识攥了一下袖口，羽绒服面料发出轻微的摩擦声。她抬起脸看陈延，确认他没有在开玩笑。他的表情很平，语气也很平，像在陈述一件已经决定好的事。念微把下巴从领口里伸出来，吸了一口冷气，那口气凉得她鼻腔发酸。她说："我不干。"
　　"Why aren't you doing it?"
　　"I can't do it." Nian Wei took her hands out of her pockets, clasped them together in front of her, and interlocked her fingers, her knuckles turning white from her own grip. "Although there are only a few people in the group, everyone is stronger than me. Teacher Wang has been teaching for twelve years longer than me, Teacher Liu's class consistently ranks first in the grade average, and even the youngest, Xu Yao, has a more solid professional foundation than me, having graduated with a master's degree. I am the most unsuited person here."
　　Chen Yan listened without interrupting. His eyes were fixed on Nian Wei, as if trying to discern the truth in her words. The wind in the hallway gusted again, causing the stray hairs on Nian Wei's forehead to brush against her eyes. She raised her hand to brush them away, and as the back of her hand grazed her eyelid, she felt her eyes grow a little warm—not from wanting to cry, but from the wind. She added, "I can't do it, nor am I willing to do it. I'm not suited for it.""
　　Everyone else is striving for progress, why aren't you?"
　　These words fell into the air like a pebble thrown into a winter pond, making little sound but sending ripples spreading out in circles. Nian Wei heard them, and her fingers stopped interlocking in front of her, released, and dropped down, resting against the side seam of her down jacket.
　　"你为什么不干？"
　　"我干不了。"念微把两手从口袋里抽出来，在身前交握，手指交叉，指节被自己攥得发白，"组里虽然就几个人，但个个比我强。王老师教龄比我长十二年，刘老师带的班平均分常年年级第一，就连最年轻的许瑶，人家研究生毕业，专业功底比我扎实。我是这里面最不合适的一个。"
　　陈延听着，没有打断。他的眼睛一直看着念微，像在辨认她话里有几分真。走廊里的风又灌了一阵，吹得念微额前的碎发糊在眼睛上。她抬手拨开，手背擦过眼皮的时候，她觉得自己眼眶有点热——不是想哭，是被风吹的。她补充了一句："我不能干，也不愿意干。我不适合。"
　　"人家都追求进步，你怎么不呢？"
　　这句话落在空气里，像一颗石子投进冬天的水面，响声不大，但涟漪一圈一圈往外扩。念微听见了，她的手指在身前停住了交叉的动作，松开，垂下去，贴着羽绒服的侧缝。
　　She thought of Yingzi, the former head of the teaching and research group. In the last month before her retirement, Yingzi specifically sent her a text message. That day was Yingzi's birthday, and Nianwei sent her a greeting. Yingzi replied with a long voice message, which Nianwei listened to on her way home with headphones on. Yingzi's voice was slower than usual, with pauses between sentences, as if she was weighing each word carefully: "Xiaowei, I still want to persuade you to sign up for the provincial high-quality class competition. If you don't go, what will you do in this unit in the future? You can't just stick to your podium... You have to let others see you." Nianwei was sitting in the last row of the bus at the time, and the street lamps outside the window were going backwards one by one. She listened to that voice message twice and didn't reply. After arriving home, she sent Yingzi an emoji and said, "Thank you, Sister Ying. I'll think about it again." Then she never thought about it again.
　　她想起英子。老教研组长英子，退休前最后一个月，专门给她发了条手机消息。那天是英子的生日，念微发了条祝福，英子回了一长段语音，念微在回家的路上戴着耳机听完的。英子的声音比平时慢一些，断句之间有空隙，像在斟酌每一个词："小微啊，省里那个优质课大赛，我还是想劝你报一下。你不去，将来在这个单位怎么办呢？你不能一直只守着你的讲台……你得让别人看见你。"念微当时坐在公交车的最后一排，窗外的路灯一盏一盏往后倒。她把那段语音听了两遍，没有回。到家以后她给英子发了个表情，说"谢谢英姐，我再想想"。然后她再也没有想过。
　　She stood in front of Chen Yan, and that voice floated up from her memory again. She pursed her lips, which were so dry that they were peeling. She licked them and tasted a chilly, rusty taste. She said, "I just want to teach simply and live cleanly. Being a group leader involves managing people, affairs, and relationships, which I can't do and don't want to do."
　　Chen Yan was silent for a few seconds. The whistle at the end of the corridor was still ringing, sometimes high and sometimes low, like filling the void for them. He changed his standing position, moving from leaning against the railing to facing her, taking both hands out of his pockets and crossing them over his chest. He said, "You do it. You're young, so you should exercise yourself more. The position of a lesson preparation group leader isn't a big one. It's just to coordinate the teaching and research work within the group. I know you're capable enough in terms of professional skills."
　　"I'm not suitable."
　　"If you're worried about not being able to persuade the teachers in the group," his voice lowered, with a promise of "I'll clear the obstacles for you," "I'll do it."

　　她站在陈延面前，那段语音又从记忆里浮上来了。她抿了一下嘴唇，嘴唇干得起皮，她舔了舔，尝到一股凉飕飕的铁锈味。她说："我只想简简单单地教书，清清白白地活。当组长要管人、管事、管关系，我做不了这些，也不愿意做这些。"
　　陈延沉默了几秒。走廊尽头的哨音还在响，时高时低，像在替他们填空。他换了个站姿，从靠栏杆变成面对她，两只手从口袋里抽出来，交叉抱在胸前。他说："你干吧，年轻，多锻炼锻炼自己。备课组长不是多大的官，就是协调组里的教研工作，你业务能力是够的，这个我知道。"
　　"我不适合。"
　　"若是你担心做不通组里老师的工作，"他的声音低沉下来，带着一种"我替你把障碍清掉"的承诺，"我来做。"
　　Upon hearing these words, a chord was struck in Nian Wei's heart. She knew she was not a person who was good at arguing, and this had been the case since she was young. Whenever she encountered a situation where she needed to "stick to her own opinion", she was always the one who backed down first. But today was different. Today, she felt that the word "no" was stuck in her throat. She wasn't saying it to others, but to herself. She said, "I don't want to do it, nor a