《非鱼集》六日苏

32、白马少年，皆无影踪 1（现实） “That

　　“That person, who is my love, I cannot get near to her. She is so far away from me.”
　　I said to myself.
　　It was in my dream, I saw her, sprinkled with dews and covered by a soft white veil. I wanted to call her name, but I could not open my mouth. She stared at me for a while and left without any sound. It seemed there were tears in her eyes but I could not kiss them away. Thick fog was surrounded around us. It would never cease. And she disappeared. I lost her trace. Then it became all dark. I woke up, tears rolling down my face.
　　I hadn’t seen her for a long time.
　　I did not know why she was always saying “I like you” to me but I had never felt it.
　　Everything was cold when it was winter, including her heart. I tried to warm it but useless. She seldom smiled, in front of me. Maybe she was just unhappy. I did not want it to be that she was unhappy about me.
　　Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, month by month, year by year, I still could not get near to her. There was a glass wall between us. I could see her but could not feel her. She liked hugging me, petting me with her cold, cold, cold fingers. She told me, “My hands are always cool in the summer, do you like it? You seem to feel hot.” But they were so cold in the winter, even inside the quilt and would never become warm even I covered them with my feet for a long time. She did not give me her warmth.
　　She was so strange and her tricks made me confused. It seemed she did not like me at all.
　　Red apple, half cut. Sour. I bought it.
　　Warm milk, returned. Cold. I bought it.
　　Red rose, wet. Unchanged, I bought it.
　　I cried, no comfort.
　　Scold.
　　I hated her suddenly.
　　But she said, “I like you”.
　　Did she really like me? Or is it just a joke?
　　I pretended that I liked her, too. I pretended that she was my love.
　　I kept waiting, maybe she would turn around, maybe she will smile in front of me instead of that blank face.
　　The glass wall broke suddenly.
　　She left without any explanation.
　　I could not understand.
　　I did not want to wait any more.
　　I had never been near to her.
　　Neither in the past, nor in the future.
　　I did, do, will not love her if there is a second chance to choose.
　　She was my love, though.